You never recover completely from the death of a loved one or many deaths in the family. If you are grieving now you know this. Death changes your life forever. Grieving is a process, but how do we recover from it.
I think of 2007 as the year of death. On a snowy Friday night my daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash. Two days later, my father-in-law died of pneumonia. Eight weeks later my brother died of a heart attack. Several months after that, my former son-in-law, the father of my twin grandchildren, died from the injuries he received in another car crash.
Life seemed so unfair. Pesach Krauss and Morrie Goldfischer talk about the unfairness of life in "Why Me? Coping with Grief, Loss, and Change." Rabbi Krauss says there was a time when he felt inferior to others. Now he sees "that I must compare myself to my own uniqueness, that I am a whole person, not different from others, because everyone, in a sense, has a part missing."
Well, my husband and I have four parts missing and are living different lives. What has changed for me?
First, I am my grandchildren's guardian. I share these responsibilities with my husband. We divided our duties. I would take care of the food, home, and activites, and he would take care of finances. Though he had retired from medical practice, he continued to work part-time. But managing his parent's estates, the twin's estates, and our own estate was so time-consuming he stopped working. Estate management is his new job.
Second, finding time to write is a struggle. My writing has to mesh with 5:30 a.m. wake-ups, gymnastics meets, band and choir concerts, high school pot-luck suppers, sleep-overs, and other teenage activities. Several friends told me I would have to stop writing because I was a GRG -- grandparent raising grandchildren. Giving up writing was never an option because it would feel like a fifth death in the family.
Third, death has changed my writing. "You've become a grief expert," commented a book expert. Of course, I would rather be an expert in something else. My recent work focuses on loss, grief, recovery, and creating a new life. Writing has helped me find that life and I recommend it to all who mourn.
Fourth, I have a different lifestyle. My husband and I were used to living on our own, going out to dinner, weekend get-aways, attending conferences, and traveling. Becoming GRGs changed this and we are homebodies again. This change is temporary. The twins have one more year of high school and our lives will return to normal after the kids go to college.
Fifth, I am still adapting to life without loved ones. Bob Deits makes this point in his book, "Life After Loss." As he writes, "Grief begins with a terrible and painful loss, but it can end with the discovery of a new life." Raising my grandchildren has re-energized my life and my husband's life as well. There is never a dull moment. I have a new appreciation for the moment and the miracle of life.
My life is not over yet. There are books to write, things to see, music to hear, recipes to try, and more days to spend with my dear husband. Do you wonder if there is a life after one loss or many? I can answer your question with one word. Absolutely!
Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson
Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30 years. She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, the Association of Health Care Journalists, and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, "Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief," written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from Amazon.
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