The Ins and Outs Of Sex and Dating

Dear Dr. Date,

I'm a divorced woman with a 22 year-old son. For some strange reason, several younger men were attracted to me and asked me out for a date. Do they really expect women to sleep with them on the first date? This is the dilemma, when is the right time to be intimate? I was raised in the most conservative form of Catholicism where money and the other 3 letter word were not discussed since they were considered dirty. I have to undo a lot of my inhibitions. Please advise.
Thanks,

Frustrated

You need to figure out what sex means to you. By 'you,' I do not mean your parents, your religion, the men you date, your snoopy neighbors or your best friend Sally. The answer to this question requires that you eliminate the peanut gallery and be straight with yourself.

Sex can mean different things to different people. Some women have sex for fun and don't assume any level of attachment; others need to know he will call her the next day. Some women need a level of friendship, while others need to be in a committed relationship and some women are saving themselves for marriage. There is no general 'wrong or right' here, but it requires knowing yourself.

Sometimes it helps to imagine the situation and gauge your reaction. With the man you described, if you had slept with him on the first date: How would you feel if you had a great time and he never called again? What if he called and continued to sleep with you and others? What if you were friends but the relationship never went further? What if you were both monogamous but he never wanted to marry?

The idea is to be straight about what sex means to you practically, emotionally and spiritually from the beginning and to take responsibility for it. Then speak your standards if you need to. Don't keep quiet and blame the man for not calling. Even though sex means marriage to you, it may be fun for him! If you don't discuss it then you don't create what you want in a relationship.

It is important to look at what outside forces are motivating your choices regarding sex. Here are some common ones:

Upbringing: Your parents said sex was for marriage.
Religion: Taught you that sex is dirty and it is just to procreate.
Dates: They make you feel guilty after a costly dinner.
Peers: They sleep around so why not you, too.
Media: People on TV bed hop, why not you.
Self-esteem: Men won't continue to date without sex, or we use sex as a bargaining chip.

The above outside forces can pull you in many directions and cause guilt and doubt. If you can reason with these influences yourself, great. If these forces continue to be powerful, then you may consider going to therapy. In the end you need to go back to your center and stay true to yourself. If you are living an aligned life, the right guy will stick around. If he respects who you are, then he will decide that waiting is worth it to him. If you choose to have sex on the first date for fun, the right guy won't judge you.

If you decide to wait on sex while dating, let your date know that you care about him in other ways. You can express your feelings verbally or through hugging, handholding or kissing. You can make him dinner or send him a card. Everyone wants to be appreciated so let your date know your standards are about you and not about him. Remind him how special he is and how much you enjoy his company. Straight communication avoids unintended pain and rejection on both sides. Remember you are not just deciding about sex, you are living your life consciously based on who you are and what you want to create in a relationship.

By Dr. Paulette Kouffman of TheImproper.com