Crack up your guests at the next cocktail party with these witty one-liners and funny famous Christmas quotes. Adults will love W.C. Fields, Jay Leno, Benny Hill, Joan Rivers and Shirley Temple – they all have something to say to lighten up your holiday. Christmas riddles are fun ice-breakers. Whether the jokes or riddles are silly and lame, no one can resist laughing when heard in a crowded room.
Christmas Jokes
"I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from." ~ David Letterman
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." ~ Bernard Manning
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." ~ Shirley Temple
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." ~ Joan Rivers
Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.' What denomination?' asked the clerk. 'Oh! Good heavens! Have we come
to this?' said Maria, 'Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.
Funny Christmas Quotes
"Roses are reddish, Violets are bluish, If it weren't for Christmas, We'd all be Jewish." ~ Benny Hill
"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." ~ W.C. Fields
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." ~ Jay Leno
"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." ~ P.J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners
"Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." ~ Dennis Miller
Silly Christmas Riddles
- How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.
- Good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him, 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
- What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.
- What do lions sing at Christmas? Jungle bells!
- Why does rain drop, but snow fall?
- When is a boat like a pile of snow? When it's adrift.
- What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney? Santaclaustrophobia
- How do snowmen get around? On their icicles.
- What does Santa call reindeer that don't work? Dinner.
Have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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Sources: Associated Press; quotegarden.com
Written by Donna Diegel
HULIQ.com
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